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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26710798">Precious</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivEinziger/pseuds/LivEinziger'>LivEinziger</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Post-episode: s08e07 Underbelly, Rejection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:48:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26710798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivEinziger/pseuds/LivEinziger</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Olivia is coming back from her assignment in Oregon, but what she finds waiting for her is nothing like what she expected, and she can't help thinking there's no longer a place for her as a member of SVU but especially as someone who matters at all to her partner Elliot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Beck/Elliot Stabler, Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Precious</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this story to try and investigate why Dani Beck bothered ME so much by having our two favorite idiots in love finally cut the crap and talk about it. <br/>Originally posted in ffnet a few months ago. Please enjoy and let me know your thoughts.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not your precious Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>. For some reason, that had stuck with him, playing in the background, ringing louder in his ears now as he drove home, alone. Indeed, Dani Beck wasn’t Olivia Benson. Initially, that had seemed to make things easier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had started to work out between them recently. They’d developed a dynamic, to Elliot’s surprise, as sure as he used to be that he’d never click with another partner again. He and Dani now worked well together, he had learned to trust her instincts, she had learned to listen to him. Basic trust. It made him remember what a work partnership was really like. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Things were easier. It didn’t hurt when they argued. Lately, most of it was just bantering anyway. There was even some flirting. And not even </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>made things complicated. It was comfortable, like wearing jeans instead of suits. So, last night had been an easy decision, with no major foreseeable consequences. He had offered to take her home, clear innuendo in his whole demeanor, and she had accepted, smiling her awareness of his intentions. Before she could get into his jeep, he had kissed her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>God, he’d needed that. He’d needed easy, comfortable. She was a beautiful woman, and she had kissed him back. Simple as that. Before they could take it any further, though, they’d been called back in, because their perp had escaped prison and kidnapped one of the girls he pimped out, probably in order to kill her like the other three previous victims. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had turned out that Dani had been forced to shoot the guy, and even after everything that he had done, that little girl still mourned him, claiming no one had ever loved her before him. And then, again, it had become so obvious that Dani wasn’t Olivia: she couldn’t handle it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t given it much attention before, but this morning, the look on Dani’s face… Elliot had known instantly that she wasn’t going to last much longer. Not everybody had the stomach for it – and maybe that was the underlying reason behind how easy and comfortable it felt to be with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing easy or comfortable about SVU; he and Olivia could take it, even when it killed them. The price to pay was that nothing in their lives was easy or comfortable. Ultimately, the truth was Dani wasn’t SVU material. She was just a temporary anomaly, a welcome one in his current lonely state, and maybe Elliot could only take easy and comfortable on a temporary basis anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glanced at the rearview mirror. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not your precious Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She wasn’t Olivia, nobody was, but Olivia wasn’t here, and she wasn’t at the other end of his speed-dial either. Absences had become his routine lately, and as he contemplated the next imminent departure, he resented Olivia one more time for not having considered that before disappearing. For not having considered </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d been forced to get used to having only himself to count on, to take it each day at a time, and make do with whatever came at him, because for the first time in his life, there was nothing that he could take for granted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t gotten any sleep that night that was making him see things that weren’t there – in this case, something that </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> there, glued to the rearview mirror. A car. An inconspicuous grey hatchback, it was deja vu every time he looked. He couldn’t quite place when he’d started seeing it, because the first few times he’d noticed it, he’d just dismissed it as a common car in a big city.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His mind would go back to her whenever he let it go free. He found himself mouthing her name without reason. He dreamed of her often. He was making such an effort to move on because, frankly, the way it all had happened had made it seem like she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Maybe she preferred chasing eco-terrorists than working with him on the job that was her calling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe she preferred going undercover for the FBI, computer crimes, anything really, than being around him any longer. Maybe leaving twice was her way of saying she was done with him. He was almost nodding at the grey hatchback, it was like it had been there all along, watching him, maybe whoever was behind the wheel would agree. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d heard she’d been in town to testify for a case, but he hadn’t seen her and, for all anyone knew, she had just gone right back under. Not even then had she risked a mere phone call to him, to check in, to tell him she was safe. Maybe she didn’t want him to know how she was doing anymore. It was like she kept giving him so many signs by not giving any.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had he been pretentious counting on her? Expecting her to be there? Should he instead of counting on her have been counting his lucky stars for every day he’d had with her? Maybe it hadn’t been much more than just dumb luck that she had stayed for eight years without suspecting she might be doing better. Everyone found out eventually that they were better off without him, he should have known she wouldn’t be any different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned the corner to his street and slowed down, lucky enough to find a spot, probably because it was so early in the morning, even though to him it still felt like late in the night. After parking, he watched the empty mirror for a few seconds, waiting. No grey car. Had it all been in his head? He let out a dry chuckle, cursing himself for feeling so lonely he’d actually started seeing a car tail him, an imaginary friend. But he understood the urge. Maybe imaginary was good. Imaginary could be as easy and comfortable as he wanted it to be without the need to be so fleeting. Imaginary would never leave him unless he wanted it to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he turned the key, and the engine went silent, he was still shaking his head at himself, but he saw it in his peripheral vision as something grey turned the corner, like a comma continuing the sentence he’d just tried to end. The car slowed down and parked at the very beginning of the block, on the same side of the street, and it couldn’t be a coincidence that his imaginary friend just happened to be coming here too. He waited a moment longer to see if anybody would come out of the car, but as expected, nothing. This was definitely a stakeout.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It made no sense. Who could be tailing him, and why? It couldn’t have anything to do with the case, the case had just died with the perp Dani had shot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot figured whoever his stalker was would be expecting him to come out of the car from the driver’s side, so he carefully switched to the passenger seat and sneaked out the door, not shutting it so as not to make a sound. He moved fast on the sidewalk, staying close to the brownstones, trying to blend in with them while he expected his follower to be watching for movement on the other side of the street. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the grey car remained parked, with the engine turned off, he figured he hadn’t been made, so when he was close enough, he ran around the back to stand by the driver’s door with his badge and gun drawn.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“NYPD,” he yelled before registering the sight of the driver.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t known what to think of this, he hadn’t come up with any possible explanations for this sudden surveillance detail on him, but even if he’d had the time to let his imagination go wild and run the most unlikely scenarios, he would never have imagined seeing </span>
  <em>
    <span>her </span>
  </em>
  <span>behind the glass of the driver’s window, her eyes wide from having been caught.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Olivia,” he found himself mouthing, this time with reason.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It had only taken him six weeks to replace her, and six seconds for her to diagnose it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d be expecting her to show up at the precinct sooner or later, she had thought, they would’ve heard she’d been back to testify at Chelsea’s case. It would be nice, they would welcome her back home. Granted, they might be in the middle of a case, but that would be even better, she would just jump right back in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d been excited to take her life back, the life that had been stolen from her, or rather, that she’d been stolen from. It was as if she had hit pause on her life when they’d convinced her to take the assignment. How could she say no to doing some good? Her life was all about doing some good. It was her only constant. And in the end, the group she had been assigned to infiltrate had never even been involved in the crimes the FBI was investigating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe she should never have left, but she was back now, so it was okay. It was supposed to be okay. What she hadn’t expected though was to walk into the squad room and see her desk filled with someone other than herself. For a moment, it had felt like walking into the wrong place, except that Elliot’s desk was still there, the pictures of his children. A blond woman, dressed in very casual clothes, had introduced herself as Detective Stabler’s partner, Dani Beck, and asked if she could help her. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Help her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Helping people from that chair was Olivia’s job. Detective Stabler’s partner was her name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, used to be. Things had clearly changed. As much as it had felt like her life had been paused, she realized everything else had kept on playing. Time had passed, because people knew better than to hit pause; they knew life was too damn short for that, and nobody owed Olivia any explanation for having moved on, not even </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Knowing that hadn’t made it any less painful. She had finally hit play on her life again, on what was supposed to be her life, only to find out somebody had changed the tape, and it was a completely different movie now – her name wasn’t even there when she scanned the credits for it. This was other people’s life now, other people’s chair, other people’s partner, other people’s spot in the team. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I haven’t got a spot for you, Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the captain had said, only stating the obvious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It served her well for thinking she had time to hit pause, but that was the thing about time. It could move so slow at times that it would fool you into believing it was never-ending, but it always ended without a warning, it always ended without a  memo, a wake, a ceremony, it just ended, and everybody went on with their lives, business as usual. She hadn’t suspected her choice to go undercover could turn out to mean giving up on everything she used to have, but she should have known. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of that had gone through her head as she had watched him come by </span>
  <em>
    <span>her </span>
  </em>
  <span>chair and not find it weird that somebody else was sitting in it, as she had watched his hand land on the intruder’s shoulder in a way it had never touched </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. A touch that was part innocent, part mischievous, not exactly compromising, but certainly open to interpretations, interpretations that included her leaning into it as she flexed her arms back while he watched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia didn’t need to hear a word to realize they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>flirting</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Were they already sleeping together? Fucking in the cribs? During stakeouts? Sneaking around behind the captain’s back? Everything she had always known to be utterly forbidden? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d thought Elliot didn’t know how to play this game, after all he was a married man, and even after the separation, she didn’t think he would, she thought it was all beneath him somehow, but it wasn’t. It was all over him right now, all over his smile, the way he alpha-malely moved around his prey. He could do it alright, he just had never wanted to do it with </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe he had actually found himself feeling inadvertently relieved after she had left, like she knew he’d felt about his marriage. Maybe Olivia had been just as much of a weight, one of the heavy rocks in his pockets pulling him deep underwater, and this was him breaking the surface, breathing, learning that he was in fact a great swimmer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe she was just another wife he no longer loved but didn’t have the guts to leave. Maybe she’d just made the same mistake Kathy had made, giving him an ultimatum by leaving, only to find out he was alright with it, he was ready to adapt, he was ready to move on in the opposite direction, with the glorious excuse that he hadn’t been the one to make the move. He’d only just stayed here, where she should have never left, and taken what life had thrown at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia noticed his clothes too, matching hers in their lack of formality, and somehow they only made him look even better, the fabrics so tight, making his body even more obvious than it already was, exhaling power, strength, so perfectly in tune with her unpretentiously loose, long-sleeved t-shirt, with her fair hair clumsily pulled back so as not to stand in the way while still unintentionally framing her beautiful features, which in turn were hardly stained by any makeup at all, the whole ensemble so intent on proving she wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be beautiful, she wasn’t doing anything she wasn’t supposed to. Her beauty was as natural as the magnetism pulling them together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell Elliot I was here,” she asked the captain, keeping on her best cover smile all the way to her rental car, where she sat and cried, actually allowed her heart to ache, feel all the pain it had always wanted to hurt with, but that wasn’t enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even as the tears subsided, she couldn’t bring herself to drive away. From where she was, she could see the dark brown sedan she’d sat in with him so many times, for so many hours, and she watched it, maybe because she didn’t exactly have anywhere else to go, maybe because she somehow knew she needed to see this through now, that it was a necessary pain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, as night was falling, they had appeared, Elliot and Dani, taken the car, and Olivia had sworn to herself she wouldn’t follow, but it was as if her hands and feet moved of their own accord as she waited a moment before driving in the same direction. She followed them to the suspect’s place, then back to the precinct, then to court – Casey must have been able to fit in the perp’s arraignment – then to the bar they all went sometimes to celebrate victories or drown frustrations, but tonight’s intentions were totally different.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia just couldn’t stop. Her surveillance had started inside Cragen’s office, and it was like looking at the sun, she knew she shouldn’t and that it would hurt, but she still looked anyway, and she didn’t know what could put an end to it now, especially because she noticed that Elliot specifically took Dani in his car this time, not in the sedan, and that told her he might have a destination unrelated to work in mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was so logical. Taking his car meant they didn’t have to go back to the precinct, but also meant that </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>would need a ride – which he would definitely offer. It was like the predictable ending of a bad movie, but Olivia couldn’t bring herself to stop watching, so she parked her car, careful to stay out of sight as she observed, and waited. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt like a paranoid wife who had decided to follow her husband to confirm he was cheating, the only difference was that she had no right whatsoever over him like a wife would. It hurt to contemplate how Elliot had never tried to drive her anywhere in his jeep instead of the sedan, in his jeans instead of his suits, in his late beers instead of his early morning coffees, that with her he’d only shared goodbyes, never concocted plans to take her with him anywhere else he went when he left work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They didn’t stay very long in the bar, they didn’t even try to hide their rush to leave. When they came back out, Casey was nowhere to be seen, of course. Olivia braced herself as they rushed to the jeep to finish breaking her heart, to give her the proof she’d come here after so desperately. If she had to hurt, there was no point in hurting from a papercut: she wanted a stab wound, to her back, that she got to watch from the front row. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot and Dani might as well have come running to his jeep, his hand on the small of her back, hurrying her along, and when she was about to climb into the passenger seat, he grabbed her arm and kissed her. Yes. Elliot could kiss. He could even kiss someone who wasn’t his wife. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could even fabricate a reason to be there with his jeep and be forced to take his non-wife home just so he could take her – intransitive verb. But their phones had started ringing, and their pagers had started going off, and for the first few times they did try to ignore them, and silence them, but they never stopped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia read Elliot’s lips, even from that distance, even not having ever touched them, tasted them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>911 from Cragen</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she could make out, and they no longer could, to her relief, but what she wasn’t counting on was that she wasn’t ready to stop, so she continued to follow the jeep wherever it went, because she just couldn’t bring herself to stop stalking her partner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ex-partner</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The shock in his eyes, like he was seeing a ghost, like he was seeing rain fly upwards, like she was the last thing he was expecting. Maybe she was. And still, the sight of his blue eyes </span>
  <em>
    <span>seeing </span>
  </em>
  <span>her helped her feel less removed from reality. So she wasn’t invisible. He still knew her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” he asked as he holstered his glock and she reluctantly rolled down her window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia had no reply. What </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> she doing? Going down a rabbit hole that had never seemed to have an end, but had led abruptly to him catching her in the act, whatever the act was. He was still wearing that dumbstruck expression as he stepped back so she could open the door and come out, and she did, avoiding his eyes, dreading the encounter she had anticipated for so long. Now it all came down to this moment when she was going to admit to stalking him, to missing him, and to who knows what else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe the moment of truth was a good thing. Maybe she got to call him out on it after all. What exactly did she have to lose? Not her spot, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani Beck </span>
  </em>
  <span>now owned it. At the desk across from his desk, in the car seat next to his seat, on the other end of the attachment to his hip – perhaps even spots she’d never occupied, in his bed? In his head. She had nothing to lose, maybe she’d never had, because maybe he’d never been hers to lose at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe the reckoning was a good thing, and she could get him to explain why she had been so easy to forget. Maybe if it hurt bad enough, she could forget him too. Maybe it was a good thing, because if everything had to burn to flames, might as well blow it all up all at once, in one sweep, annihilating move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Olivia finally turned to face him, there was some kind of fire in her stare, so bright it blinded his eyes, so hot it burned his skin. It hurt to see her again. It hurt so good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked beautiful. The dark circles under her eyes told him she hadn’t gotten any sleep either, he had seen her face in that state a hundred times,  but she’d cut her hair – yet it was longer, held back in a ponytail, her new bangs framing her perfect face, and it surprised him again just how stunning she was, even having been stunned a hundred times before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot wanted nothing but to hold her now; she was here, back home, safe. But he kept his hands to himself. “When did you get back?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A couple days ago,” she said, and it was almost surprising to hear her voice was still the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glared at her. “And you didn’t tell me? Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gave him a sad smile. “You were busy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Busy with what? And how had she come about that information? With her little surveillance stunt? “What the hell was this all about?” he nodded at the grey hatchback. “You been following me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she said, again not shying away from the truth. “Maybe I was just trying to figure out if there was still room for me in your life, ‘cause I know there’s no room for me in SVU.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know that’s not true,” Elliot disputed. “When Cragen finds out you’re back, he’ll get you back in the unit in a heartbeat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia smiled with sad eyes, the fact that he had dodged her implied question not lost on her. “He knows. He’s the one who told me that he doesn’t currently have a place for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot remembered Dani’s face earlier this morning and his certainty that she would be leaving soon. “And you took that to mean that that’s it, you’re gone from the unit forever? When did you even see Cragen anyway?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yesterday,” she replied bitterly. “I’ve been to the precinct. I met your new partner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot fidgeted impatiently. Olivia had been there and no one had bothered to tell him? “Where was I, how come I didn’t see you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia smiled to herself wistfully. “It’s stupid, I know, but I didn’t think they’d give you another partner so soon. I was actually surprised to see someone sitting in my chair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot contemplated the disappointment in her eyes, but he had just as much of it in him to throw back at her. “Maybe I was surprised to find it empty. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Again</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t have a choice...” Olivia started, but he raised his voice to interrupt her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t give me that crap! And what did you expect anyway? I was told to pack up your desk ‘cause they were sending someone else, there didn’t seem to be anything temporary about it. What did you want me to do? Keep getting in fist fights with anybody they tried to partner me with until you came back or I lost my job?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia was a bit surprised at his anger, but hers still won; she smiled. “You didn’t have to this time, they sent someone you liked right away.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot scowled. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, Cragen mentioned you had a… </span>
  <em>
    <span>rough start</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But how rough could it have been if not two months later you’re like two peas in a pod, you even dress the same. What the hell are you even wearing anyway?” She looked disgusted as she sized him up and down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like you told me how long you’d be gone,” he countered. “Actually you didn’t tell me </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You just ran, like you always do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As angry as she still was, Olivia couldn’t help the comfort that washed over her as she realized he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>noticed she was gone, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>cared. Everything she had witnessed over the course of the last several hours had denied everything she thought she knew, chipped away at everything she used to think there was between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Guilt flashed on her face for less than a second before she put her indignation back on like a suit and made no comment on his complaint. “I guess I just didn’t think you’d get that comfortable around someone other than me that quickly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her voice ended up coming out softer, and his responded in kind as he found himself speaking the truth.  “That was survival, Liv. I had no one else. I didn’t think you’d come back this time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It suddenly hit her just how much it would have hurt if he’d been the one to go undercover without so much as a word to let her know what was happening. And yet, she didn’t see herself replacing him so quickly, in a matter of weeks. She didn’t see herself ever being able to replace him at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I did, I came back,” she said, a sudden change in mood, the anger gone for a moment, the fight put on hold. “I’m trying to, anyway, but I can’t find a way back in. I’m locked out of my own life, I’m on the outside looking in and it’s like I was never there at all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pain came out clearly in her words, in how her voice broke a few times, and in that moment, Elliot wanted to tell her how wrong she was, but he didn’t know how. They held each other’s stare for a moment, in silence, until Olivia let her head hang low and nodded. “Well, I’m glad you’ve found someone,” she whispered hurriedly, turning to her car with the clear intention of leaving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wanna know what she calls you?” Elliot said, halting her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia felt her face catch on fire with so many feelings at the same time, most prominently the terror at the very notion of some kind of inside joke between them involving her. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>She </span>
  </em>
  <span>calls me something?” she voiced with incredulity. “What makes you think I’d wanna know what it is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My </span>
  <em>
    <span>precious Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>, is how she calls you. Because apparently, I’m always calling her out on not measuring up to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia scoffed dismissively; she could almost see him reprehending his new partner for not doing things the way he was used to, for not conforming to him, existing around him like stupid Olivia. But that only spoke to his uneasiness with change, and only in the squad room for that matter, because she hadn’t seen any criticism in the way he had held and kissed Dani in that parking lot. Her voice barely came out. “I’m not just talking about work here, Elliot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither am I,” he stated firmly, looking deep in her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence ensued as they inspected each other’s eyes repeatedly for more information. Realizing she was a flight risk standing here, way too close to her getaway car, Elliot </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>that, if he let her run this time, she wouldn’t come back. He had the impulse of grabbing her arm, but for some reason, touching her right now still seemed off limits. “Let’s talk inside,” he said instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia didn’t protest. Maybe he wanted the remainder of this talk to happen in privacy, but she didn’t care either way. At this point, she didn’t give a shit who heard it. Whatever secrets were at stake here, he was the only one she was keeping them from, so if she was going to tell him about any of it, she might as well shout it from the rooftops. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walked silently to his building, climbed the stairs to his floor, and Olivia tried to fight the sensation, but there was something so reassuring about walking next to him, it was as if she could finally relax the invisible muscle she’d been flexing, let go of the pain in the phantom limb that was him when he wasn’t there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot held the apartment door open for her, but made a point to stand in the doorframe, leaving her minimal space to go through as his eyes pierced her. When she looked away to quickly slide past him, she felt his hand on her shoulder, pulling her to him, and in the next second she was buried in his chest, unable to keep her arms from wrapping around him as he held her, almost crushing her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The familiarity was unbearable now, but she let herself sink into it and into him, accepting the danger that she might never be able to come back up, might end up drowning. Chills rippled through her as he lowered his face to latch onto the crook of her neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was so worried about you,” he whispered, like no one could hear what they said during this time-out, this little truce. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia suddenly remembered she was in the arms that had held onto </span>
  <em>
    <span>her replacement</span>
  </em>
  <span> the night before, insistently trying to pull her closer, his lips seeking hers, and felt the sudden need to scramble away from him and into the apartment. She heard him come in and shut the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I saw you kiss her,” she still had her back turned to him, but she knew she needed to look into his eyes, to read them, so she turned to watch it as her accusation landed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He seemed confused, like he was trying to solve a math problem. “How?” he asked. “Where were you? You were really following me? Even then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was feeling drunk, high on something that was making her spill her guts, and she knew it could go away sooner rather than later, so she needed to get it all out before it did. When she walked out of here today, she would never look back, so she figured she might as well say what was on her mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, I… I always thought there was something there. And yet, in eight years… You never turned to me like that one day and just… grabbed my arm and kissed me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It suddenly dawned on him, what she was referring to, the whole scope of it. She was comparing herself to Dani and the night before, comparing herself to some stupid flirting, some silly attraction, a pastime, a patch-up. She was jealous, and it wasn’t just about the job. It wasn’t about the job at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was I supposed to know you even wanted me to do that?” he asked tentatively,  uncompromisingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia knew that, on some level, she had always struggled to keep him from ever suspecting how she felt about him, as evident as she still thought it was even under all the protective layers of denial. But the fact remained that every time she looked at him now, all she could see was him kissing Dani Beck, and the inherent rejection in him kissing his </span>
  <em>
    <span>partner</span>
  </em>
  <span>, a partner that wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, hit her with full force all over again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I made so many excuses in my head,” she said softly. “You were married, and you’re not that kind of man, and I respected that. I loved you for that. Then it was how it all had happened, the way Kathy left you, how broken you were. You needed some time. But the truth is… When you wanted to kiss someone, you did. And it wasn’t me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot had barely had the opportunity to register that Olivia was back, standing in front of him, after weeks of not even knowing if she was still alive, and now he suddenly had to make sense of all those revelations, accusations and assumptions she was making. She was going too fast for him, but all he knew was she was dead wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Slow down, slow down…” he asked, waving his hands. “Look, Dani was just there when nobody else was. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>a choice between her or you, because you weren’t there. Only she was.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia felt suddenly nauseous. She glared at him. “Are you serious? I was there for eight years.” She wanted to cry with the rage that was burning in her chest, but she did her best to hold it in. “It’s okay, Elliot. No need to explain. It’s all clear now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wanted to rush out of the apartment and never have to look at his face again. She had never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span>, felt rejected like this. She had never given anyone this power over her. She suddenly realized this had been a bad idea; she should have just left. But before she could move, she felt his hand around her arm, quite literally grabbing her attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to,” he said, firm, finally admitting to something. “It’s just… The moment never came… And this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. What was I supposed to do? Start flirting with you, throwing pick-up lines at you? How am I supposed to… make a move on you? Nothing seems… good enough.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her breath caught in her throat for a second at his admissions. What about all the evidence she’d gathered to build her case that he didn’t feel that way about her? Maybe he was saying this for the sake of her ego, to let her down easy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiled. “And since nothing is good enough… it’s good enough to leave it at nothing. And at the end of the day, Dani is the one you made a move on. Case closed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got a question for you then,” he pulled at her arm, bringing her closer to him. “If I’d done it… Tell me you wouldn’t have run.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again with the running; it seemed his only defense for everything. But Olivia knew he wasn’t entirely wrong; actually, it shed light on a whole different side of things; maybe part of the pain in watching him kissing Dani Beck had been contemplating her balls to just stand there and kiss him back. “I don’t know,” she conceded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He released her arm, and she resented the loss of contact. “How did you expect me to cross that line if whenever I came closer to it, you ran the other way like your life depended on it? You talk about last night like I knew you were watching, but for all I knew, I was never gonna see you again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia was taken aback; she saw now how hurt he was. She’d been so focused on her feeling of betrayal that she hadn’t considered that the way she had left might have made him feel betrayed, too. Maybe part of what she had been labeling simply as rejection could be resentment, punishment even. “Will you ever forgive me for leaving?” she whispered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Elliot’s turn to go speechless for a minute. He had never looked at it like that, like something to forgive her for or not, but as she asked this, he realized how deep his wounds went. “You acted like I meant nothing to you. You left me in the dark. Alone in the dark.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize you’d feel that way,” she confessed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was I supposed to know you’d come back?” Elliot felt tears brimming in his own eyes; it was as if everything demanded to come out at once. Now, that she was here, he could finally see just how scared he really had been that she had left for good. He’d been numbing himself, fooling himself, ignoring the pain, settling for distractions. The words just kept coming out, bringing with them his deepest fears. “For all I knew, you might have taken a permanent position with the feds. You could’ve met someone. You were always bound to find something better than me sooner or later, everybody does.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His voice broke, and she saw, even from a distance, as a tear rolled all the way down to his lips until he wiped it with his tongue. The moisture seemed to ignite his eyes in the darkness of the room, two beams of blue light aimed at her, unwavering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t’ve,” she assured him. “You can’t find something you’re not looking for.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why go away at all?” he asked for what felt like the hundredth time, but by then he already knew it would go unanswered. Maybe even inside her own head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But to his and her surprise, she did answer. She started walking to him again, decidedly. Maybe it was the way he had suddenly exposed just how hurtful her actions had been, but she realized he deserved the truth, so she accessed it in its secret compartment in her brain and gave it to him as an apology.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right. I ran when all I wanted was to stay. I moved farther when I wanted to get closer. It made you think I didn’t want to be here, and that’s not true. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot was taken by surprise; he blinked away the remaining tears. “It’s okay,” he breathed. She was here. He remembered his drive not long ago, when he’d been questioning, wondering if he hadn’t properly valued his luck to have her when he did; was he doing it again right now, wasting her return on resentments and hesitations? “I just want you to stay, and not leave again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That had been the plan; if only he knew how she’d been counting the seconds to come back. But then she remembered Dani Beck, occupying all the spaces that mattered in her life. She couldn’t promise to stay if that would mean sharing him with her; she had to make him understand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know,” she started. “I used to think the fact that nothing had ever happened somehow made it special… Like knowing was enough. The hope of having this tucked away, all the possibilities, the what-ifs, maybe someday. But the truth has always been the same... when somebody wants something, they just grab it. And I wanted you to want me like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Olivia spoke, it all suddenly became crystal clear to her as she stood there. It wasn’t complicated at all. She’d been looking at this all wrong, unable to understand why that kiss had hurt so badly, ripped her skin off, felt like such an unforgivable betrayal. She pointed at the door. “What you did there, holding me like that just now. Why’d you do it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot didn’t understand the question and the sudden subject change. “‘Cause you were gone for weeks. Because I was glad to see you again, to know you were okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” she nodded. “I felt it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stared at her, puzzled, not moving a muscle as she gathered the courage to drag hers even closer in his direction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love Dani?” she whispered hesitantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot frowned, then laughed at the absurdity of the question. Why did Dani keep coming back? She was suddenly such a foreign notion, a distant memory. “Of course not,” he said, still at a loss as to where the conversation was heading now, all at once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia exhaled, relieved, then held her breath again. “You love </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The vulnerability in her voice made his heart ache. “Liv…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes or no, Elliot,” she insisted impatiently, shaking her head slowly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he mouthed. “You know I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t, that’s the point.” She smiled and took another step towards him, a different energy now. “Did you wanna fuck Dani last night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was torturing him and herself. “Why are you doing this? You know the answers to all those questions.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you?” she raised her voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no point in pretending. “Yes!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tilted her chin up, like a scared animal trying to look bigger, her eyes flickered in reaction to the sparks coming out of her mouth. “Do you wanna fuck </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat. “Liv, come on…” he whispered. “You know it’s not that simple.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He just watched her; she only stopped approaching when their faces were mere inches from each other. His glance dropped to her lips, hanging heavy when he forced it back up to her eyes.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Olivia felt goosebumps breaking across her skin. “When I stand this close to you, does it go through your head? Do you imagine it…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Elliot whispered, defeated, like confessing to murder. “You don’t even have to stand this close. But it’s not that simple and you know it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Actually, it is, I’ve just realized it,” she countered, taking a step back. “It’s what I’m trying to tell you. I think I needed to see that last night to realize it. When I saw you kiss her last night… It burned, it broke me, because you could’ve kissed me a hundred times, but you never tried.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I already told you I wanted to,” he let out a loud, frustrated sigh. “Hell, I just told you I’m in love with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was wrong, Elliot. Knowing is not enough. Even </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying </span>
  </em>
  <span>it is not enough. If you don’t do anything about it, it’s just empty words. At the end of the day, what really counts is what you do, because no one on the outside knows what’s going on in your head.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dani Beck was all Olivia could see when she looked at his lips. She could almost smell her in him, even though she had no idea what she smelled like. Even hearing him acknowledging he wanted her, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>her, nothing could make the image go away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She closed the distance between them, curling her fingers around his collar and pulling him to her. “Just do it,” she whispered. She hated herself for begging, but she was hurting, she just wanted him to make it stop, kiss it better. He owed it to her to do it at least once. “Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It started raining outside, and Elliot didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do. “Liv… Not like this… I’m not gonna kiss you just to prove a point.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smirked, letting the tears and his t-shirt go free, and walked away again; each time she did, she moved farther away towards the opposite wall. “What you don’t get is that it proves a point either way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood there, staring at each other from a distance, a half-smile on her lips, fading away gradually. She was waiting. Ever since she had walked in here, she’d felt the soles of her feet itching, twenty thousand butterflies in her stomach trying to lift her up, threatening to fly her away. But she loved him, and the way to show was staying; just as long as he was willing to hold up his end of the bargain. She had waited for as long as she could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had tried. She’d done more than she’d ever thought she’d have the guts to do – at least she wouldn’t have to live with that regret. She’d burned it all to flames, ripped the gash open. At least she would bleed out fast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bye, Elliot,” she said, and immediately started walking in a beeline for the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was just about to run again, and it was his fault. Elliot watched it happening in slow motion and finally understood: as it turned out, kissing her to prove a point was exactly what he needed to do. He reached Olivia before she could get to the exit, turning her around abruptly and, before she could even understand what was happening, his mouth crashed onto hers, so forcefully she felt the impact on her skull. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot tasted salt on her lips as he curled his fingers around her ponytail to undo it, because he couldn’t wait another second to surround his fingers in the soft locks of her hair, the primal need he felt helping him understand what she’d been talking about all along; he’d been keeping a safe distance from her for so long that it was the only way he knew how to act anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apart from the odd hug here and there when he completely lost control, he never let any impulses rule him when it came to her, always halted urges to touch her, filtered spontaneous reactions – and why? To protect her? He’d been so afraid of hurting her that he’d hurt her even worse, made her feel rejected. How could he accuse her of acting like he didn’t matter when he’d been doing just the same thing for years?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this was Olivia, the strong, resilient woman he loved, and she’d gathered all the broken pieces of her heart to come here, after </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, to tell him how she felt and pry his feelings out of his stubborn heart. He squeezed her tighter then, and while he was glad she’d been able to unleash all these feelings and impulses in him, he also knew they were a force to be reckoned with – they were just going to have to learn how to control it.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slid a hand under her sweatshirt, craving for closer contact, and when he reached the bare softness on the small of her back, she moaned softly into his mouth. He pulled away, gasping for air, suddenly in a hurry to do everything he’d always tried so hard not to. He kissed his way down her neck, then back up to her ear. “I’m sorry,” he whispered before taking her earlobe between his lips, the cold hardness of the metal of her earring in contrast to the mellowness of her skin. “I’ll make it up to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pulled him back up to look into her eyes, both of them struggling for air, and it meant everything to her that she could finally see that fire in them, that uncontrollable urge. “No restraints,” she requested, eyes dark with desire as she seized his lips again, coaxing them open with hers, moaning at the contact with his tongue. Little by little, the image of Dani Beck faded away, as she claimed him as hers, tired of waiting for her turn, demanding it instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elliot realized he had been saving her for later, like a small vial of the rarest perfume, like a very expensive bottle of champagne, just waiting for a special occasion that never came, because nothing would ever be special enough for his </span>
  <em>
    <span>precious Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>, perfect enough. He figured he would’ve either spent the rest of his life waiting for the right moment or ended up driving her away for good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not your precious Olivia</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There was no comparison, but he found himself comparing anyway. Dani Beck was not Olivia Benson, and it didn’t matter how easy or comfortable the idea of filling the void that had her shape with anybody else might have seemed, the truth was that no one else in the world was Olivia, and he was tired of trying to replace her for whatever reason, clear as day as it was right now that she was the one, had been for quite a long time. Maybe what had always scared her off hadn’t been the possibility that he might cross the line, but the remaining doubt of whether he ever would.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew things weren’t as simple as acting on their feelings and desires, and that pursuing this with her wasn’t going to be easy, or comfortable, but he was sure now that it would be worth it. If only he had known that a kiss would be all it took to know this for certain – maybe he would’ve built up the courage to grab her arm and kiss her years ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was as if he’d gained access to this whole new level of consciousness, not to mention finally seeing through his own bullshit. Easy was for the lazy, and comfortable was for people who would settle for whatever life threw at them instead of going for what they really wanted, what really mattered. Elliot was tired of settling, and if having Olivia in his arms was what difficult and uncomfortable felt like, then a lifetime of discomfort and difficulty was all he could hope for. </span>
</p>
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